---as transcribed by Captain Brainsucker, alternate personality of Saint John Morrison

DOWNLOAD THAT FILE boy and let me tell you straight: I'm the archetypical computer nerd, I've found that programming is better than sex AND CLEANER. Yes ma'am, I run at 13013 BAUD when I'm unconscious... when my full mind is on it I run at one GODZILLION and one baud, I'll overflow ANYONE'S copy buffer! I use my TOOL to POKE data, I can debug a machine language program by the way it looks on the goddamn hi-res screen! Yes, I'm fast; I can write BASIC programs that outperform m/l; I can solve adventures without booting them; give me ALL your Slack! For I told Steve Wozniak I had an Apple I bought for $25 from a Japanese company and he SHOOK MY HAND! Yes, I pirate 'em... I write the best fucking programs YOU'LL ever see; I put an unbreakable copy protection scheme on them, a different one every time; I crack it before it's released and put my name on the startup page! In lo-res! No, really, I had double hi-res before they even thought of it: I changed a few resistors and had all my DOSses initialize the new parameters. I've got QUADRUPLE hi-res now and 666 lines of vertical resolution too. For I'm the original, the one Locksmith doesn't work on-- I shit C-64s! Damn straight, they come right out of my anus and I package them and sell them. I only need ONE disk drive, I can use COPYA to duplicate ANY disk faster than any other pirate with their laughable "thirty-second copiers". Oh yes, you KNOW what I can do: I've got a joystick that won't quit and my interface is NOT RS-232! But I don't NEED a joystick for anything. I can draw better with a keyboard I-J-K-M diamond on a black and white TV than anyone else with a mouse and RGB monitor! YAHOO! You just TRY sucking my brain: I'll reverse the flow and get yours AND the Virgin Mary's, you KNOW She's the only female hacker out there. Oh, I am the one that put the formatting error in the IBM-PCs and LAUGHED when they told everyone "not to print out floating-point results"! I eat IBM company reps for breakfast lunch AND dinner and pack Jack Tramiel's brownie with DIP ICs because he PAYS me to; YES, I am NOT MELLOW! I don't spell "cool" with zeroes, I spell $0300 with "o"s! I've got sixteen fingers and sixteen toes, I verify disks by TASTING them. I'm on every BBS in the country, I'm the remote sysop of the ones that have been up more than a week, EVEN IF THEY DON'T KNOW IT. I ran a pirated Net-Works until Nicky Naimo tried to crash it, then I crashed HIS by sending my NENTAL IFE down the phone line to do WEIRD TECHNOLOGICAL SEX with his computer, it only had FOUR slots after I was done with it! HEY, I'm known by 32767 different handles and 32767 different names: the remaining one is my REAL one, which I made up on my first call and haven't used since. I don't have to work out calling-service codes... MCI, Bell, and Sprint GIVE me accounts to leave them alone! All the software companies send me demo disks, well by "Bob" I use 'em for scratch disks. I know you should keep an initialized disk at all times but I don't; I can init one by BREATHING the DOS into it. I made TI design their computer wrong so it would flop, my signature is inside the Macintosh! I don't have a ][, a ][+, a //e, OR a /c: I have a ][B! And that stands for BRAIN SUCKER and that stands for NOTHING AT ALL; I belong to, nay, I OWN the world's first totally technological Church, it doesn't even have a location but rather exists VIRTUALLY across the electronic grid of the universe. Swap me out to paper tape if I'm lying! And I lie all the time, my lies have more truth value than 13013 bulletin boards full of self-proclaimed Elite users! I'm dynamic as my RAM, I get refreshed more often than ANY screen, I use page zero through 255 for a condom! I only use 8K chips, I can rewire them to have more memory than the combined output of DEC, IBM, and Wang in three years, EACH! And speaking of Wangs...

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